Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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