I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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