he wants to bone in the snuggie
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Randomize
