I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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