Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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