you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
