saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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