It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
