1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
