you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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