Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
