take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize