I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
