Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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