I love black thongs
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
