Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
wow bdsm is so cute
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize