i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
