If i could tip my vagina, i would.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
