I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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