I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you would pick up someone in the library
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
