I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
