I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
