woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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