3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
