my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
