I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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