youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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