If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
