u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
