Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
