my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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