my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
