This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
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