My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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