They should really pass out barf bags in church
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
