I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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