Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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