My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
