We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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