i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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