I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
