apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize