Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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