Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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