We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Randomize
