im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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