some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
