I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
two words...techno handjob
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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