pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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