At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
