Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
