still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
