Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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