If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
why do cheetos always look like penises
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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