Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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