LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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