Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
