I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Randomize
