So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize