I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
