I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
