Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
