My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
